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post #181 of 1272 (permalink) Old 07-13-06, 05:09 PM
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HAHAHAHA good one ^^

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post #182 of 1272 Old 07-13-06, 05:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saturnine
Blonde Geometry Student

Blondes know all the angles!
After careful scrutiny, it is our understanding that the blonde student
was given credit for the answer, but the board of education has warned
math teachers to be more explicit in the future...


Mouahahahaha
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post #183 of 1272 Old 08-01-06, 03:25 PM
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email i received, got a chuckle

Quote:
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me

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Last edited by djbme83; 08-01-06 at 03:33 PM.
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post #184 of 1272 Old 08-01-06, 03:29 PM
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post #185 of 1272 Old 08-07-06, 08:23 PM
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A letter was left on the dining room table:

My Dear Wife: You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats." -Mark Twain
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post #186 of 1272 Old 08-07-06, 09:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen03
A letter was left on the dining room table:
rofl...............................
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post #187 of 1272 Old 08-23-06, 12:02 AM
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5 reasons not to be a penis...

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
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post #188 of 1272 Old 08-23-06, 10:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen03
A letter was left on the dining room table:

My Dear Wife: You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

"Tigers love pepper.. they hate cinnamon"

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post #189 of 1272 Old 08-23-06, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saturnine
5 reasons not to be a penis...

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.




"Tigers love pepper.. they hate cinnamon"

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post #190 of 1272 Old 08-23-06, 12:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saturnine
5 reasons not to be a penis...

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
number 5 is a classic.
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post #191 of 1272 Old 08-29-06, 08:07 PM
 
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no offense but this whole thread went downhill
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post #192 of 1272 Old 08-29-06, 08:08 PM
 
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caddy jokes
golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch -- it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


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post #193 of 1272 Old 08-29-06, 08:09 PM
 
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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post #194 of 1272 Old 08-30-06, 06:36 PM
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Musings on Myspace:

I think girls take the internet too literally. Take for example MySpace.com. Yes, technically it is your space, but you don’t have to dress like a whore in it all the time.

My problems with MySpace arise from the fact that it teases you with photos of every part of a lady but her space, which it strictly prohibits.
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post #195 of 1272 Old 09-03-06, 12:56 AM
 
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A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers' Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty well and maybe he would get lucky, so he asked her if she wanted to go in the backseat.

"NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blonde was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you."
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