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post #61 of 1272 (permalink) Old 03-16-06, 06:40 PM
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post #62 of 1272 Old 03-16-06, 07:09 PM
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JC got laid!
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post #63 of 1272 Old 03-17-06, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
 
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We need more jokes people
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post #64 of 1272 Old 03-17-06, 05:55 PM
 
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New books in the pipeline:
Under the Bleachers by Seemore Fannie
Yellow River by I. P. Freely
Montana: Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Scared

Did you hear about the leper hockey game that was called due to the face off in the corner?
  • How do you break an Aggie's* finger? Punch him in the nose.
  • How do you break up an Aggie party? Flush the punchbowl.
  • Who discovered the first Aggie? The Roto-Rooter Man.
  • How many Aggies does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One hold the bulb and four to turn the ladder.
  • How many Aggies does it take to make popcorn? Five, again. One to hold the pot, four to shake the stove.
  • How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Two. One to use the fork, the other to watch for cars.
  • Do you know why they don't serve ice at Texas A&M anymore? The guy with the formula graduated.
  • How can you tell a new semester is fixin' to start at Texas A&M? The sheep back up to walls.
  • A realtor was showing a nice house to a young couple. After showing the front room to the couple, the realtor excused himself, went into the kitchen, opened a window and hollered "Green side up!" He returned to the couple and showed them the dining room. He excused himself a second time, returned to the kitchen to yell out the window "Green side up!" Returning to the curious couple he apologised profusely for having to interrupt their tour. He led them up the stairs to show them the bedrooms. In the master bedroom, the realtor glanced out the window and shook his head. He opened the window and once again belted out "Green side up!" The couple could no longer contain themselves and asked the realtor why he kept yelling "Green side up!" out the window. The realtor explained, "I'm terribly sorry about that. We're resodding the lawn and could only get an Aggie crew for the labor. I have to constantly remind them that the grass side goes up."
  • An Aggie wants to open a chicken farm. He ordered a pallet of chicks and planted them. Naturally, they all died. The Aggie wrote to the Ag office at A&M asking if they could determine why all the chicks died. The Ag office asked for a soil sample, which the Aggie dutifully mailed them. After analysis, the Ag office determined the Aggie needed more water. Thus encouraged, the Aggie ordered another pallet of chicks and planted their little feet into the ground. He flooded his field to be certain his little chicks got all the water they needed. Of course, the chicks all drowned. Discouraged, the Aggie contacted the A&M Ag office again asking for help, explaining he'd lost two crops of chicks. They asked for another soil sample and a detailed description of the Aggie's planting method. The Ag office reply back, "Ah, now we see what killed your first two crops. You planted them upside-down!
What's that you say? You want GOOD jokes??? Why didn't you say so...

* Aggie. Student at Texas A&M. Not the sharpest tool in the box...by a long shot.**

**In all truthfulness, a highly regarded educational facility. I work with three Ph.D ChemEngs who went to Texas A&M.

Last edited by Slartibartfast; 03-17-06 at 06:18 PM.
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post #65 of 1272 Old 03-17-06, 06:47 PM
 
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Maybe these will be more to your liking.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh*t"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the hood of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
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post #66 of 1272 Old 03-20-06, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
 
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funny picture xD Name:  AmericanWorld.jpg
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post #67 of 1272 Old 03-20-06, 06:26 PM
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Two men dressed in pilot uniforms and wearing dark glasses board a large passenger jet. One of the men is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way onto the plane with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the pilots make their way into the cockpit. The door closes, and a moment later the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for a sign that its all just a joke...

The plane begins to roll forward and quickly accelerates down the tarmac. The people sitting in the window seats begin to realize theyre not getting airborne...

It begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water at the end of the runway, and panicked screams fill the cabin. Then suddenly the plane lifts into the air. The passengers relax, breathe heavy sighs of relief, and laugh sheepishly...They soon retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob... one of these days they're gonna scream too late, and were all gonna die..."

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post #68 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 02:12 PM
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post #69 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ekimevil
what's a mouse head?
Yeah..um actually i didnt understand that either...I just thought the other stuff was funny like "oil and war"
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post #70 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 04:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ekimevil
what's a mouse head?
i was wondering that too. I'm pretty sure they mean 'moosehead', b/c apparently there are a lot of moose running around
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post #71 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 04:52 PM
I prefer the Deep South..
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daddymac117
Two men dressed in pilot uniforms and wearing dark glasses board a large passenger jet. One of the men is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way onto the plane with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the pilots make their way into the cockpit. The door closes, and a moment later the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for a sign that its all just a joke...

The plane begins to roll forward and quickly accelerates down the tarmac. The people sitting in the window seats begin to realize theyre not getting airborne...

It begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water at the end of the runway, and panicked screams fill the cabin. Then suddenly the plane lifts into the air. The passengers relax, breathe heavy sighs of relief, and laugh sheepishly...They soon retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob... one of these days they're gonna scream too late, and were all gonna die..."
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post #72 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 05:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bitter79
i was wondering that too. I'm pretty sure they mean 'moosehead', b/c apparently there are a lot of moose running around
that's awesome. I love you man!
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post #73 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 05:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ekimevil
that's awesome. I love you man!
right back at ya bro. but could you verify that for us moosehead? k, thx.
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post #74 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 06:34 PM
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Wasn't there a canadian beer called "moosehead"?




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post #75 of 1272 Old 03-21-06, 08:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TireMeltingRSX
Wasn't there a canadian beer called "moosehead"?
Moose Drool
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