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post #976 of 1272 (permalink) Old 01-26-09, 09:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quic vic View Post
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied . ‘The rest are for your father.
good one.


Our Father, who art in Autos, hollowed be thy frame. Thy Horsepower come, Thy torque be fun, in Imports as in Domestics. Give us this day our daily fuel, and forgive us our hooning, as we forgive those who hoon against us, and lead us not into chrome accents, but deliver us from rice. For thine is the Cam, and the Piston, and the Rod, for ever and ever. Or until they break.. Amen.
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post #977 of 1272 Old 01-26-09, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Nikon1 View Post
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money, HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before HE catches cold !!!



"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"

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post #978 of 1272 Old 01-26-09, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quic vic View Post
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied . ‘The rest are for your father.



"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"

._________________________
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|_..._...____________======||_|_|...,]
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post #979 of 1272 Old 01-27-09, 07:55 AM
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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'



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post #980 of 1272 Old 01-27-09, 05:35 PM
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John



FROZEN SKUNK:

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.




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post #981 of 1272 Old 01-27-09, 11:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TireMeltingRSX View Post
John



FROZEN SKUNK:

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.



"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"

._________________________
|.....Overnight.....................| ||
|........Japan Parts................||'|";,___.
|_..._...____________======||_|_|...,]
"(@)'(@)""'''''''''''''"'''"**|(@)(@)*****"(@)
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post #982 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 06:39 AM
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Might be a re-post, but funny shit nonetheless!

Quote:
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.


And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.*So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'


And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'


And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....



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post #983 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 08:55 AM
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’


Thanks tegger!

I like my cars like I like my women, small and maneuverable.

Don't bring show to a go fight.

Type-R Swap (Legal!!!!)
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ASR 32mm Hollow Rear Sway Bar
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post #984 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 08:56 AM
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.

“The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


Thanks tegger!

I like my cars like I like my women, small and maneuverable.

Don't bring show to a go fight.

Type-R Swap (Legal!!!!)
Type-R Tranny
Moroso 5qt Oil Pan
K&N Filter
Exedy Street Disc & ACT HD pressure plate
SR Motorsports 9.5lb Flywheel
Skunk 2 Front Upper Control Arms
Tien Flex Coil-Overs
Carbing Type 2 Front Strut Tower Brace
Password JDM 4pt Rear Strut Tower Brace
ASR 32mm Hollow Rear Sway Bar
ASR Lower Tie Brace
G-Stop stainless brake lines
Hawk Pads
15" Gunmetal Rota Torques
16" Gold Rota Boosts with Falken 615's for Autox
Buddy Club short shifter
USDM ITR Front and Rear Seats
ITR Lip and Side Skirts
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post #985 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 09:50 AM
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Good ones - keep it going!



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post #986 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 11:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikon1 View Post


Good ones - keep it going!



"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"

._________________________
|.....Overnight.....................| ||
|........Japan Parts................||'|";,___.
|_..._...____________======||_|_|...,]
"(@)'(@)""'''''''''''''"'''"**|(@)(@)*****"(@)
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post #987 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 11:56 AM
 
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Two priests decided to go an Hawaiin vacation and they were determined to make this one a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said “Good Morning, Father - Good Morning, Father,”
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store nd bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said “Good morning, Father - Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.” “Yes, Father?” “We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.”
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post #988 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 12:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!
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post #989 of 1272 Old 01-28-09, 07:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by expensiveazngirl View Post




Excellent, Katie -



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post #990 of 1272 Old 01-29-09, 09:34 AM
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Quote:
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly, there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"



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