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post #1261 of 1272 (permalink) Old 04-23-16, 07:03 AM
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Thread Of Jokes

What a Amazing Jokes these are really...............
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post #1262 of 1272 Old 11-18-16, 10:08 PM
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Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 49.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
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post #1263 of 1272 Old 07-09-17, 01:12 AM
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I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY


In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often.


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Your smile is worth a million.

Last edited by JonesyJones; 07-09-17 at 01:17 AM.
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post #1264 of 1272 Old 07-10-17, 12:15 PM
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A picture is worth a thousand words
Your smile is worth a million.
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post #1265 of 1272 Old 07-20-17, 03:46 PM
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."


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post #1266 of 1272 Old 07-20-17, 03:51 PM
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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is five years old.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quickly responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my five year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your five year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"


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post #1267 of 1272 Old 07-23-17, 05:40 PM
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A picture is worth a thousand words
Your smile is worth a million.
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post #1268 of 1272 Old 07-28-17, 06:53 AM
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Well, I just found a good joke recently, even if it may be a little harsh.

What's your favorite type of girl?

With pulse.

Haha
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post #1269 of 1272 Old 08-02-17, 05:58 PM
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An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard; his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. "Is this your
club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your
club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three
clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton."

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

In case you do not know Kate Upton, I did some research for you.



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post #1270 of 1272 Old 09-01-17, 03:00 PM
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Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says,

"I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing that thing?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how that trend got started)


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post #1271 of 1272 Old 09-17-17, 05:13 PM
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I think all sports fans will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune.... Enjoy!

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious...

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.


Dear Mr. Page:

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.

One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.


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post #1272 of 1272 Old 10-10-17, 01:33 AM
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