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MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

GENERAL
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise"the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 

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Wyle E. Coyote said:
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS



- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

HAHAHH These were funny. :D
 

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You ever notice how many redneck jokes come from our Texas affiliate???:p :D :bigok:
 

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nootch said:
You ever notice how many redneck jokes come from our Texas affiliate???:p :D :bigok:
Its easy for him to relate that's why.

Wait don't you have a Texas plate on your car. Look who's talking.:D
 

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pgatour1 said:


Its easy for him to relate that's why.

Wait don't you have a Texas plate on your car. Look who's talking.:D
But I am a transplant!!!!:bigok:
 

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Discussion Starter #7
pgatour1 said:


Its easy for him to relate that's why.

Wait don't you have a Texas plate on your car. Look who's talking.:D
I'll take Texas any day over Yankee territory! :D
 
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